I Am Not Your Fetish

by Corey Gray

I am a person. I am not your fetish. I am a femme

nonbinary AMAB (assigned male at birth) person. I am not

your fetish. Over the past year I’ve realized when it comes

to romance, I’m not a very lucky duck. I trucked off to

school in Boston after growing up in rural Maine and was

aching to be in a place with a larger queer community. While

I did find that, I for some reason could still only get the

occasional Tinder match, and could even more rarely get a

date with anyone. I’m not here to toot my own horn, but I

consider myself to be attractive and interesting, and have

been validated on both claims by many people, so I was

stumped as to why I was struggling to find anyone willing to

connect with me. It clicked near the middle of the school

year when I realized that most of the people who did show

interest in me thought I was a cross dresser and would ask

me to be their little girl or to dress up in lingerie (that they

offered to buy me).

When people pass me on the street I can sometimes

see in their eyes the confusion as to what I am. In this world

of labels and stereotyping, people don’t really know what to

make of me. A lot of people really just aren’t familiar with

any gender non-conforming identities. I’ve been asked more

times than I can count if I’m transgender, but never if I’m

agender or genderqueer. The world is still grappling to

understand, so where does that leave me? That leaves me

here to educate and fight for recognition so that future little

nonbinary babies won’t have to.

Over the past year at school, a school with many gay

men, two straight men targeted me. They both were in

relationships with women when they first started pursuing

me, and they both just really wanted to know what it’s like

to have sex with someone who is AMAB. They chose me

because of how femme I am and one of them even said he

wanted me to be his princess. They both made it clear,

though, that I could never under any circumstance talk to

them in public. Of course, I didn’t do anything with these

obnoxious boys because, shocker, they treated me as just a

pretty thing with a penis whom they could never be seen

with in public lest their bros think their gay.

Currently, I would say the most recognition we get is

as a fetish. Or as an affront to masculinity. Both are

applicable, honestly. I’ve gotten reactions ranging from, and

I quote, “Over the top. You have a penis, you’re a MAN not a

princess”, “You are terrifying”, to sexual ones that I really

shouldn’t repeat here. The gay community is already anti-

femme in the first place, but then add in some hyper-femme

presenting AMABs into the mix and you’ve got some real

dissonance. Luckily every other nonbinary person I’ve met

has been incredibly positive, healing, and inspiring. I’m not

exaggerating to say that they have all proven themselves to

be the strongest people I know, especially my POC

nonbinary friends.

We really have picked ourselves over romance. It took

me a while to realize that I had done so, but when I did,

everything became clear. It’s all about priorities. I would

rather be alone in the romantic sense and try and add my

voice to the nonbinary cause and hopefully the ingrained

societal beauty ideals will become more forgiving in the

future so that being nonbinary won’t make you just a fetish.

No part of me is willing to concede any of my self-expression

or identity to better fit into this society. Nobody should have

to feel like they have to tone down themselves to make

themselves more palatable for a first date. Society likes to

spread this gospel of being yourself unapologetically and

staying true to yourself, but then goes on to tell us that we

have to still fit within this one societally acceptable box.

It’s not fair and it’s my nonbinary siblings and I are

bullied, raped, and murdered just for expressing ourselves.

We do want love, but we know that there are more

important things than that, like not getting murdered and

fighting for our recognition and acceptance. We are people.

We are strong and proud people. We will not be recognized

only when your marriage is failing and your wife is at work.

We will not be treated like nothing more than a sexual

conquest. We are not your fetish. We are beautiful and

interesting gender non-conforming people who deserve so

much more than we get.